5 Good Reasons Why I Shouldn't Write My Life Story

Subtitled: Now HERE’S a creative writing prompt that I can get into!

1) Because my family would disown me. This wouldn’t happen because I’ve been such a terrible person or have so many deep, dark secrets that I risk banishment should they ever come out. Instead, it’s because there are two versions of reality in their world: my moms and my bio-dads. And god/dess forbid I should inadvertently side with one over the other while trying to tell *my* version of events! Silence=Peace in this instance. And if it keeps my mom from finding out I got arrested for shoplifting when I was eleven, more the better!

2) Because no one would believe it anyway. My in-laws already think I’m a little touched in the head. Because I have a fairly wide social circle, I nearly always know someone who has something interesting going on. I have learned that by sharing these amusing anecdotes, I don’t so much amuse my partners parents as I do convince them that I’m a pathological liar. For instance…who else has been held prisoner by Carnies, spent a week in Ukraine without any money, *and* knows someone with necrotizing fasciitis?

3) Because it would totally ruin my image. People who know me tend to think that I fall into one of two catagories: wild child or soccer mom. Both sides would be disappointed if I ever revealed what my life is actually like. Those who think I’m Wild would be really disappointed by how secretly innocent I am. On the other hand, what I *have* done (and yes, continue to do!) would shock those who think I’m sweet and conventional and boring.

4) Because it’s all a blur. I have a hard time remembering what happened last week, or yesterday at work…much less my earliest childhood. The stories that do stick out are usually pretty traumatic- that’s WHY they stick out. The mundane and the sentimental, I’m not so good at recalling.

5) Because it’s not over yet. Is there anything more pretentious than the memoir of a 20-something? Rare exceptions being Prozac Nation, Girl, Interruped, and Little Girl Lost by Drew Barrymore. You’ve gotta be awfully full of yourself to try and write an autobiography at 25…or even 55 for that matter.

BONUS POINTS: If you caught on to the fact that the writers prompt originally said "ten reasons" but I cut it down to five. Anyone have any other reasons why I SHOULDN'T write my life story?